GUIDE TO PICKING UP AMERICAN GIRLS: WHAT NOT TO DO

Dear boys all over France,

You’re right.  My friends here are all sweet, fun, beautiful, kind, and American.  I can see how you would be interested in getting to know them.  For your convenience I have provided you with a short list of actions (based off real experiences) so that perhaps you can stop wasting your time.

Scenario 1: Group of American girls talking together on bus

Do NOT leave your spot to grab your English-speaking friend from the back of the bus to eavesdrop on our conversation.  We are not, in fact, talking about how much we wish you would butt into our conversation and his plethora of English catch-phrases will neither impress us nor make up for your creepy staring.

Result: We will laugh at you as you desperately wave at us after exiting the bus.

Thinking about trying to talk to us in French instead of getting your friend?

Alternative Result: “This boy is trying to talk to me in French and I don’t have any idea what he’s saying.”  This will also lead to us laughing with her and continuing to pretend you’re not there.

Scenario 2: Group of American girls…just about anywhere

Do NOT stare.  Really.  That’s quite rude.  It is particularly creepy to stare when the other person is asleep.  “When I wake up from a nap on the train, my eyes should not be locked with yours.”

Result: We will avoid looking in that direction for the remainder of the ride.

Scenario 3: Group of American girls sitting silently, trying to get you to stop staring

Do NOT try to get me to help you hit on my best friend.  A statement such as “Your friend is so beautiful.  What is his name?” is both offensive and a waste of time. 

Result: I will tell you in perfect English that I don’t speak English and hope you get the hint.

Scenario 4: Beautiful, curly-haired American girl lives next to your friend

Do NOT, under any circumstances, think that it is cute (or even acceptable) to create a photoshopped image of her using pictures off Facebook.  You may call yourself an artist but I will always refer to you as her creeper.

Result:  I will email photoshopped image to all of my favorite people in the U.S. and set it as my computer background.  She will never answer her door again.

Although this is by no means an exhaustive list, I hope it has provided you with some useful information.  If you are thinking that perhaps you will try one of the listed techniques because you think you can perform it better, you can't.  Please take this as a warning.

You're welcome,

Katie